Gass 
Book 




ill 



DEDICATED TO 
J. L R. 
BY A MOST SINCERE FRIEND, 



It was with something of the same feeling of immea- 
surable satisfaction as that with which Talfourcl ordered 
his "Two cars for Chamouni!" (vide his "Vacation 
Rambles,") that I found myself on the morning of the 
19th of April, 1851, walking aboard 6 4 That good ship 
Ocean, A.I., 500 tons, O.M., Captain Hast, for Rotter- 
dam direct, &c, &c. ;" and really and actually, though 
it seemed much too delicious to be true, en route for 
Holland, so long the object of my curiosity and wonder. 
It seemed to my impatience as if the mail bags would 
never come, but come at length they did, and at 10.30 
exactly, the cry of "Move her ahead!" followed by a 
gurgling noise, a rialsied quaking of the paddle-boxes, 
and a rich smell of mad stirred up, gave notice that we 
were actually off. Bearing in mind the maxim, that in 
case of sea-sickness it is good policy to be (like an arti- 
ficial tooth grafted on an old stump,) " founded on fact," 
we made a very considerably substantial dinner at three. 
None, however, but the most rampant of appetites could 
fail to have been daunted by the contemplation of the 
stewardess who flitted about, (horresco ref evens! as 
Virgil would have said,) like a brown moth, in a snuff- 
coloured worsted cap, which, to characterize it gene- 
rally, was afflicting ; and in slippers to match, which, 
(I forbear again to press the details,) were unwholesome. 
Then there appeared on the stage a fish, or to speak 

1 



2 



more accurately, a lump or block of some organic mat- 
ter, called by too flattering courtesy a cod, with (in/an- 
dum dictu!) a variegated head, a craniological pheno- 
nienfb^which was somewhat startling. The said head, 
too, was so preternaturally large, that it was obvious 
Mr. Coddy had fallen a victim to water on the brain, 
a disease to which fishes of course must be particularly 
liable. Land disappeared about 7 p. m. Tea, and then 
the " Ingian veed," which latter luxury, though some- 
times the object of unreasonable cavil, is the undoubted 
prerogative of travellers, were the order of the evening 
till turning into bed about one o'clock. 

On awaking about six the next morning, after a most 
comfortable sleep, on the ledge-with-a-rim-round-it, 
which with a little imaginative pleasantry they called 
a berth, I found we were just entering the mouth of 
the Maas or Mease. By the way, that getting in and 
out of bed sometimes forms an important ingredient in 
the fun and excitement of a sea-voyage, and more par- 
ticularly so to persons of an adventurous turn of mind, 
who affect the performance of hazardous gymnastic 
exploits. I effected a partial mount with triumphant 
success, ascending via a carpet-bag and a brass turn- 
cock. The next stage was to a berth immediately below 
that which was the object of my hopes and aspirations. 
Its rim, however, looked so suspiciously ricketty, that 
I discreetly stepped just inside it. My foot lighted on 
some substance which unquestionably was neither bed 
nor board, but which from its warm temperature, and 
from a groan of anguish which emanated from behind 
the curtains, I judged to be in intimate connexion with 
a human body. A vague feeling of uneasiness still 



3 



haunts me, for having, perhaps, trodden upon, and 
thereby irretrievably flattened, some unoffending gen- 
tleman's nose. The surprising difficulty of getting up 
to bed gave rise to serious apprehensions as to the pros- 
pective feasibility of the descent therefrom. That, how- 
ever, was accomplished summarily, so to speak, for in a 
signally abortive attempt to execute it satisfactorily, 
and without prejudice to the already, alas ! too injured 
nose, (if such indeed it was,) I tumbled, " promiscuous 
like," with a mighty crash (Source*/ 5e vea&v, as Homer 
would say) on the floor of the cabin, so hard that it is 
still a subject of devout inward congratulation to me 
not to have shot through it into the sea. 

The sea coast, as far as the eye could reach, was 
edged with Dunes, or sandhills, blown up by the wind. 
There is an interesting account of these Dunes, and of 
their process of formation, and their occasional excur- 
sions inland, in the introduction to a " Handbook for 
Holland," published by one Murray, a bookseller in 
Albetmarle Street, who is not altogether unknown to 
fame and tourists ! The introduction referred to, is 
amusing, and would repay the trouble of perusal even 
to those who have not a visit to Holland in contempla- 
tion. 

About two hours more brought us to Rotterdam, 
where we landed at the Boomjes, the principal quay of 
the town, extending along the bank of the Maas, and 
like all Dutch quays, prettily planted with trees, whence 
its name ("little trees"). On this quay are some of 
the more important buildings of the town, the India 
house, a great Jewish synagogue, and three of the chief 
hotels. The water is so deep that the largest ships can 

1* 



4 



lie close in shore. The Dutch custom-house officers 
are universally civil and obliging. While waiting for 
our baggage, our feet were assailed by a small army of 
shoe-blacks, who abound in most Dutch towns, per- 
forming their office for about a penny, like our red- 
coated squadron in London. Their plan of assault was. 
it appeared, to give any unwary boot they could catch 
a dab of black looking fluid, like genuine Day and 
Martin, but which dried ichite, by which means they 
occasionally came in for the job of rubbing it off again. 
Finding, however, my boots suddenly animated with a 
liveliness of a menacing character, as often as they 
stooped to the attack, the invading squadron found their 
efforts bootless and retreated. 

Then came breakfast at the '"'Pays Bas," to an ex- 
tent which, to a spectator unacquainted with the effects 
of sea air on certain appetites, would have been alarm- 
ing to contemplate. The Pays Bas is a capital hotel in 
in all respects, and the charges do not unreasonably 
•• impinge upon the pocket," as some wiseacre expressed 
himself in the Times the other day: wishing probably 
to impart a touch of the florid to his advertisement ! 
The next thing, of course, after getting some Dutch 
money, which is a convenient coinage, and extremely 
simple, was to set sail on a voyage of discovery through 
the town. Talking of foreign coinages — it is curious to 
observe in what a rayless abyss of ignorance some tra- 
vellers live in regard to a matter which most materially 
concerns their welfare, namely, the respective values of 
the coins they shower about them ; while the exercise 
of an infinitesimal quantity of trouble and attention on 
entering a new country, would so quickly put them in 



5 



possession of the little knowledge required for the secu- 
rity of their exchequer, and temper. 

A notable instance of this came under my observation 
some years ago, in the case of an individual who vouch- 
safed me the doubtful favour of his company on the 
!Nje|derwald, and who, while I was contemplating in 
speechless delight the entrancing beauties of the land- 
scape, from that magnificient belvedere, broke the spell 
by presenting his vile card, and disclosing that his name 
was Judkin ! — " John Judkin, Sir, of Euston Square, 
if you should pass that way, and would look in," &c. 
Towards evening, the wretched being (for how could a 
man, who lives in Euston Square, and calls himself 
such a hateful name as Judkin, be otherwise than mi- 
serable ?) became so amicable and confidential, that at 
last he " unbuzzomed" all his sorrow — How much hap- 
pier would he have been in the New Road than on the 
Rhine ! The menageries in the beds afflicted him miser- 
ably externally \ (he spoke with much feeling on this 
point, and indeed seemed to be a martyr to cutaneous 
irritation) ; the Rhine wines caused him to be dismally 
wretched, through pangs of a spasmodic character, in- 
ternally ; and the coinage made life generally a burden. 
He scooped out two great handfuls of all sort3 of 
coins, Belgian, French, Prussian, and German, the last 
in all the degrees of variegation usual with that cur- 
rency, and differing in colour according to the predomi- 
nance of pewter tin or brass in their composition, and 
desired to know the value of the whole mass. I ac- 
quainted him with the aggregate amount, and then 
endeavoured, with meritorious perseverance, but lamen- 
tably bad success, to impress on his mind the respective 



6 



names and values of some of the commoner ones. But 
he looked like " grim- visaged comfortless despair" all 
through the lesson, and at last said with a desponding 
sigh, " Thank you, Sir ; I never could make out them 
crikers !" He probably returned home a sadder and 
a wiser man, and will not again swell "the train of 
our countrymen who, beguiled by fashion, go every 
year, with their purses, eyes, and mouths wide open, in 
mournful procession up and clown the Rhine." 

At Rotterdam, as in other Dutch cities, there are but 
few streets, properly so called, but innumerable canals 
with broad wharfs on each side planted with trees. 
The houses being commonly built with peaks resem- 
bling gable-ends, and standing on piles which are sub- 
ject to a weakness for sinking, have a most picturesque 
appearance, some nodding at one another familiarly 
across the street, some reclining dos a dos against the 
row behind, and others rubbing their heads together, 
as though whispering confidential communications into 
each other's ears. I had an opportunity of witnessing 
the process of laying a foundation of piles, a laborious 
operation enough most unquestionably, and probably 
not less expensive. This being Easter Sunday, the 
ships in the canals were all dressed with flags, which 
made the whole scene very gay and pretty in the sun- 
shine. But the quays, to be seen to advantage, ought 
to be visited when the trees are in full leaf. On the 
other hand, there is the drawback in the hot weather of 
the effluvium of the semi-stagnant water (then said to 
44 grow") which is not perceptible earlier in the year. 
There were some, but not very many, of the ornamental 
barges with gilt prows and sterns, which one sees in 



7 



Vandeveld's pictures. There were also some used as 
permanent houses ; for some of the Dutch live, like 
certain Chinese, entirely on the water, so that it would 
be difficult to decide to which element they belong. 
They resemble, in this respect, that singular quadruped 
described by the exhibitors of travelling menageries, 
as the " Vunderful antiphiblious cow vich cant live on 
the land and dies in the vater !" — a phenomenon in 
natural history, the mystery of whose being has hitherto 
eluded all attempts at investigation by zoologists. The 
tide in the canals is anything but what the popular 
nautical melody of " I'm afloat," calls " wild raging," 
being the tamest and fattest of solids, like rich turtle 
soup. Possibly, however, those epithets may be thought 
to be not altogether so inapplicable to the furious esprit 
de mud which occasionally is wafted from it, to the 
utter discomfiture and confusion of all well-bred and 
polite olfactories. 

Seeing the tower of the cathedral rising into the air 
at some little distance, I made for that, and found ser- 
vice going on. Washington Irving, in Knickerbocker's 
History of New York, gives rather an amusing carica- 
ture of the deliberation attending Dutch proceedings, 
in his account of the building of this church : — u My 
great grandfather by the mother's side, Hermanus Van 
Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone 
church at Rotterdam, which stands about 300 yards to 
your left after you turn off from the Boomjes, and 
which is so conveniently constructed that all the zea- 
lous christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a 
sermon there, to any other church in the city. My 
great-grandfather, I say, when employed to build that 



8 



famous church, did, in the first place, send to Delft for 
a box of long pipes ; then having purchased a new 
spitting-box, and a hundred weight of the best Virginia, 
he sat himself down and did nothing for the space of 
three months but smoke most laboriously. Then did he 
spend full three months more in trudging on foot, and 
voyaging in the trekschuit from Eotterdam to Amster- 
dam, to Delft, to Haarlem, to Leyden, to the Hague, 
knocking his head, and breaking his pipe, against every 
church in his road. Then did he advance gradually 
nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full 
sight of the identical spot whereon the church was to 
be built. Then did he spend three months longer in 
walking round and round it ; contemplating it, first 
from one point of view, and then from another ; now 
would he peep at it through a telescope from the other 
side of the Meuse ; and now would he take a bird's-eye 
glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic wind- 
mills which protect the gate of the city. The good 
folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and 
impatience ; notwithstanding all the turmoil of my great- 
grandfather, not a symptom of the church was to be 
seen ; they even began to fear it would never be brought 
into the world, but that its great projector would lie 
down and die in labour of the mighty plan he had con- 
ceived. At length, having occupied twelve good months 
in puffing and paddling, stalking and walking, having 
travelled over all Holland, and even taken a peep into 
France and Germany, having smoked five hundred and 
ninety-nine pipes, and three hundred weight of the best 
Virginia tobacco, my great grandfather gathered toge- 
ther all that knowing and industrious class of citizens, 



9 



who prefer attending to anybody's business sooner than 
their own, and having pulled off his coat and five pair 
of breeches, he advanced sturdily up, and laid the cor- 
ner-stone of the church, in the presence of the whole 
multitude, just at the commencement of the thirteenth 
month." 

The cathedral is very large, but in consequence of 
the peculiar arrangement of the pews, which rise up in 
banks on all sides from the middle, it somewhat resem- 
bles a concert or lecture-room. The men seldom take 
off their hats in church even during the service. Just 
as I entered, the whole congregation sang a hymn toge- 
ther without instrumental accompaniment. The effect 
was very good, but I should have liked to hear 

" The great organ almost burst his pipes 

Groaning for power, and rolling through the court 
A long melodious thunder to the sound 
Of solemn psalms, and silver litanies," 

for the organ of the Cathedral at Rotterdam rivals the 
Leviathan at Haarlem in size and power. Shortly after 
the psalm, the communion service began. A table was 
spread at the side of the nave just below the pulpit, 
(the chancel is not used in Dutch churches ) and from 
this table the vessels were brought to another in the 
middle of the church as they were wanted. Then 
about sixty persons seated themselves in four rows, and 
the priest administered the bread and wine to those 
near him, who then passed on the plate and cup to those 
beyond ; the priest all the time speaking energetically 
with a good deal of vehement gesture. Those who had 
received left the church, and others supplied their 
places. The priest was dressed in a black cloth sleeve- 



10 



waistcoat, with long strips of calico of the same colour 
down the back— the dress I believe of the Puritan 
ministers about two centuries ago in England. 

As it was Sunday, and the shops therefore all reli- 
giously shut, my observations of the houses were neces- 
sarily confined to the exteriors, but on a first visit to a 
Dutch town these afford abundant amusement. Most 
of the smaller shops have signs : commonly that of a 
Leeuw (lion), varying only in intensity of red and de- 
gree of ferocity. But the most singular emblems are 
the Saracen's heads which are the invariable ornaments 
of the druggists' shops. They differ very much in 
countenance, but all have their mouths wide open and 
most of them have red caps. One would be gaping to 
a supernatural width, as if preparing for the reception 
of a pill of Brobdignagian dimensions, with the sort of 
" can't help it" expression of countenance, which per- 
sons in that embarrassing situation usually wear. The 
next perhaps would seem to be merely indulging in the 
satisfactory luxury of a good yawn. A third would 
have sixteen inches or so of the pinkest and ultra-heal- 
thiest of tongues dangling out of its mouth, with a cheer- 
ful wink of its eye } — in order to symbolize the clear and 
satisfactory state of the stomach that would result from 
the consumption of the drugs in the magazine below. 
Another mouth might be seen wide open like the others, 
but contorted sideways, as though the gentleman to 
whom it belonged were presenting his jaws to a dentist 
in a facilitous position for the extraction of one of his 
very uttermost grinders. The history of the sign is not 
well known, but it is said that it was an importation 
from Jerusalem two or three centuries ago. If so, it 



11 



may possibly be not altogether unconnected with Sala- 
din and the Talisman ; but is it recorded of that infidel 
potentate that he had a monomania for never shutting 
his mouth ? 

The grotesque family likeness that subsists between 
the Dutch and English languages is entertaining, and 
it is more strongly marked than that between English 
and German. Many Dutch words are the same as ours, 
but not spelt in the latest London fashion. On this 
point see any Dutch dictionary, passim. For instance, 
about every fourth house is inscribed with a notice 
that " Snuif, Koffij en Thee" is sold, and one of the 
druggists, by a notice in his window, begged to acquaint 
the public that he dealt in Bloed-zuigers, which he ra- 
ther needlessly translated leeches, for the benefit of any 
stray English who might have occasion for the com- 
modity. 

Of course the innumerable canals require innumera- 
able draw-bridges, which are frequently of ingenious 
construction. "When there is occasion to lift a bridge, 
one half of it is raised by levers, the other half being a 
fixture. Whenever a boat passed, it appeared to afford 
the liveliest gratification to the youth of Rotterdam to 
run up the inclined plane of the raised side, and so 
bring it down again into its place with a tremendous 
bang. I joined in the amusement one or twice, but 
failed to discover the particular secret of the excite- 
ment. 

One of the principal characteristics of a Dutch street 
is its scrupulous, or it would be more correct to say, 
elaborate cleanliness. A grand scrubbification of the 
exteriors as well as of the interiors of the houses takes 



12 



place every Saturday. On the Friday evening, the 
Vrouws, young and old, may be seen everywhere 
busily employed with pails and little brass garden 
pumps, shooting streams of water over the windows 
and fronts of the houses as vigorously as if they were 
on fire ; so that the unwary pedestrian runs serious 
risk of finding himself suddenly and unexpectedly un- 
dergoing gratuitous ablution from the misdirected ener- 
gies of a spout. This light skirmishing with pails is 
only considered as introductory to the more extensive 
operations of the morrow. The campaign is then re- 
sumed with redoubled activity till every thing in the 
nature of dirt, down to the faintest suspicion of a speck 
of dust, is utterly annihilated. Spiders must find Hol- 
land an uncomfortable country to reside in, for besides 
the unjustifiable prejudices generally entertained against 
that unlucky insect with which they everywhere have 
to contend, they are here subject to the vigilant hosti- 
lity of a female police who would view any thing in the 
nature of a cobweb with stern intolerance. Should in- 
deed any crafty old flycatcher have ensconced himself 
at the top of some lofty church tower, out of the reach 
of domiciliary visits from the army of restless brooms 
and scrubbing brushes, yet would his appetite suffer 
from the savour of tobacco, from which no corner of the 
low countries is free. That spiders do not appreciate 
the fragrancy of even the choicest Havannah may be 
easily ascertained by bestowing a puff on one of them 
as he sits in his web waiting for his breakfast, when he 
will recoil with manifestations of deep and indignant 
disgust, and withdraw into the remotest corner of his 
net with the utmost precipitation. 



13 



Almost every house has its mirrors to shew what 
passes in the street, and unless these spions, as they are 
called, grossly misrepresent the truth, they must reflect 
some very pretty faces for the gratification of the be- 
holders inside. There are no raised pavements like 
ours in Rotterdam, but the space for pedestrians is on 
the carriage level, and paved with thin little bricks 
called clinkers, with which also many of the principal 
roads in Holland are laid throughout, of course at a 
vast expense, — more than £1400 a mile, it is said. 

Wandering about the town, I fell in with a young 
German from Saxony, who had been imported simul- 
taneously with myself in the 4; Ocean," and who imme- 
diately proposed to join me, merely observing, "I join 
you." Among other places, we explored the dockyard 
together. He amused me by keeping up a sort of 
6< wickering," like a horse impatient for his corn, while 
any one was talking to hini — indicative 5 I suppose, of 
satisfaction, or of a general amiability of disposition to- 
wards the speaker — but it turned out that he under- 
stood Dutch very little. In return for his sociability, 
I saved him from being deluded by a roguish valet de 
place into staying the evening at Rotterdam for a pre- 
tended public ball ; a very old trick ; nevertheless, my 
companion would not believe me that the ball was all 
" a Harris" till he had consulted the maitre d'hotel and 
received the same advice. I also positively refused to 
allow him to pay a commissionaire who had got his 
luggage from the Custom House, three times his due, 
for which, of course, the discomfited rogue looked at 
me with no very amiable eye, as much as to say, " Just 
let me catch you alone in a dark lane, my boy !" to 



14 



which I responded (mentally), " having enjoyed at in- 
tervals for a long period the luxury of mutually punch- 
ing heads with a member of the P. R. (as the gentle- 
men of the prize ring term themselves), and being par- 
ticularly strong, nothing, my very dear sir, would be so 
refreshing and agreeable to me as the little reunion you 
desire. It would indeed be invigorating to have an 
opportunity of quietly polishing off one of your frater- 
nity." Talking of balls — public festivals, called kir- 
mess, are held in Holland, which are much resorted to 
by youthful aspirants to matrimonial engagements. 
Such young ladies " on their promotion " as have no 
sweethearts hire them for the occasion ! practically, a 
very convenient custom, but sadly unromantic. I re- 
member a certain English damsel dancing at a Swiss 
village festival with a tall young Bernese, who at the 
end of a waltz, by way of small- talk, murmured a soft 
request into her ear for trinkgeld after his exertions ! 
It must be owned that the execution of a dance with 
some partners makes a subsequent restorative (either in 
the shape of a livelier companion, or a tumbler of cham- 
pagne) indispensable. Probably ladies experience the 
same misfortunes, but they are happily exempt from 
the dull agony of endeavouring to extract conversation 
from a partner as devoid of ideas as a hairdresser's 
dummy ; an operation as arduous as the proverbial la- 
bour of squeezing blood out of a stone. 

As the Saxonian and myself strolled about, we met 
flocks of the worthy Rotterdammians in their Sunday 
contume, all so clean ; and the girls with faces as bright 
and clear as if just fresh from the chisel of Madame 
Tussaud, or a dip in Rowland's Kalydor, whereof who 



15 



hath not read the virtues, depicted as they are in such 
glowing colours in numberless advertisements, rivalling 
the charms they describe, and the ambrosial prepara- 
tions they vaunt, in flowery softness ? The fashionable 
promenade at Rotterdam is a sort of botanic garden 
with painfully formal thickets and walks, in a meadow 
outside the town. There was by no means the large 
sprinkling of soldiers among the crowd which is usual 
in continental cities. The Dutch have an army of 
about 30,000 men. They have also police, in gre9n 
uniforms, looking rather like a compromise between the 
gendarme and the British peeler. 

Walking exercise, we found, has a precisely similar 
effect on Saxonian and English appetites, so about three 
o'clock dinner was put to the vote, and carried nem, con. 
Dutch dinners are much the same as Swiss in their sub- 
ject matter; much dearer, however, and, happily, not 
so extravagant in quantity. Oranges always form part 
of a Dutch dessert, and go by the name in their tongue 
of Chinese apples. The little pans of charcoal under 
the dishes to keep them warm was a new device to 
me. A Dutch lady warms her feet in a similar manner, 
using as a footstool a little square wooden box, the vuur 
stoof (pretty plain English), containing a pan of char- 
coal, and having the lid perforated to allow the heat to 
ascend. These are so universally used that they are to 
be seen by hundreds piled against the pillars in every 
church, and most of the bedrooms have a pretty toler- 
able allowance. They are certainly much more agree- 
able objects to contemplate than the wooden or leaden 
boxes which are an equally pervading race in Germany, 
and serve a far less elegant purpose than fostering the 



15 



fair trotters of those pretty Vrouws. It is to be pre- 
sumed that the place of these warm footstools is sup- 
plied at night by our old familiar friend the hot bottle. 
The footstools are, of course, incompatible with gutta 
percha soles, for obvious reasons. 

After dinner, the Saxony man and myself started by 
the railway and travelled together as far as the Hague, 
he being bound for Amsterdam direct. We made an 
agreement to fraternize again at the latter place, but 
missed, much to my regret, as he was a pleasant fellow, 
and managed to make a dozen or two of English words 
go a wonderful way. Rather more sedulous ablutions 
would have been more in conformity with Dutch, not 
to say English, prejudices ; but my friend acted up to 
his lights as a German, and was a shade, or to speak 
more accurately, a layer or two cleaner than most of 
his countrymen. The carriage we adventured in was 
superlatively ricketty, and so low and small that it was 
difficult to help being forcibly squeezed into disobeying 
the order, " Be careful to put no head nor hands out of 
te carriages." Dutch railway officials are as fond of 
ringing wheezy old bells, and playing eccentric melodies 
on squeaking trumpets as the Belgians are. The Dutch 
fantasias on the horn, however, are not quite so absurd 
as those of the "Braves Beiges," (whose chivalrous 
military ardour, by the way, appears to be exclusively 
confined to the production of those martial squeaks at 
the starting of trains). The smoking is prodigious. 
Every man smokes as naturally as he breathes, so that 
the fastidious in that respect had better commit the ex- 
travagance of going in the first class, or else in the third, 
which are open. Some days after this, I came from 



17 



Arnheim to Utrecht in a carriage with eight men, seven 
of whom smoked all the way ; and the evening being 
cold, some ladies who were with us desired to have all 
the windows up. The tobacco, providentially, being 
good, I rather enjoyed it (not having the fear of part- 
ners at a subsequent ball before my eyes), but after- 
wards regretted having omitted to cut a slice of the at- 
mosphere, which became a pretty stiff solid, and bring 
it away as a curiosity. 

Our paralytic old vehicle wobbled and scuffled along 
at a good rate through an entirely flat country, like a 
great prairie or a gigantic water-meadow ; the only 
break of the flat being the bank of an occasional canal, 
which here are generally above the level of the sur- 
rounding country. Such a prospect is not so ugly after 
all : monotonous no doubt, consisting of grass and water 
ad infinitum ; or to express it mathematically [grass + 
water] : but then the grass is beautifully green and 
fresh, and the dykes are always brimming full, so that 
the scene is far more agreeable than a great slimy 
brown odoriferous steamy bog in the Isle of Ely, like 
the " Dreary Swindle Swamp " where the snapping 
turtle lived. (Vide Bon Gaultier.) Then the straight 
rows of trees, which seem especially to delight Dutch 
eyes, running along the sides of the roads, have a cer- 
tain pleasant quaintness about them. There is good 
reason for the planting of the rows of trees along the 
canals ; namely, to strengthen the banks ; for the canals, 
being above the level of much of the country through 
which they are carried, would inundate the whole 
territory about them if let loose; spreading as wide 
and disastrous a consternation as that caused by the 

2 



18 



" breaking of a bank" in this country. The fields be- 
come more cheerful towards the end of April, as then 
the cows are turned out for the summer months, hav- 
ing been stall-fed all the winter. The plan of tying a 
cloth over their backs to keep them warm appears ra- 
ther comic to a stranger. 

A large part of the line from Rotterdam to Amster- 
dam is founded on piles, often under water, and the 
roadway is laid on faggots bound together by stakes 
and wattles. Not many miles from Rotterdam, the rail- 
way runs through Delft, whence the pottery so called 
used to come. There are some monuments of Dutch 
heroes, of Van Tromp among others, in the great 
church there, which are worth a visit ; but the town 
has declined sadly since the English have usurped the 
pottery market. At the present day it looks as deadly 
lively as London in September. 

A very short time brought us to the Hague (HoL- 
landice S'Gravenhage) which Lord Chesterfield some- 
where or other calls "the prettiest village in the world." 
" Though long," says Murray, " the residence of the 
Stadholders, and now of the King of Holland, up to the 
beginning of the present century, the Hague ranked only 
as a village, because it had neither corporations nor 
walls, and did not return members to the States Gene- 
ral. It was, however, only a village technically speak- 
ing. The population is at present about 60,000, or 
more than three-fourths of that of Rotterdam. There 
are several good hotels at the Hague. One of them 
bears a sign very common in Holland, namely, " The 
Doelen" or "Bulls-eye," archery having been once the 
favourite national sport in Holland. Dutch inns are 



19 



of course religiously clean. Sometimes the l^nats are 
troublesome, but there is no danger of discovering the 
bed to be garrisoned by a menagerie of bloodthirsty 
wild beasts, and of finding oneself used as a fleas' table 
d'hote. The Belle Vue, where my quarters were, is a 
capital house close to the Park, kept by a Scotchman 
called Maitland. There being still an hour or so left 
of day-light, I wandered out intending to explore Sche- 
veningen, (pronounced Skavening), a small watering- 
place on the coast about three miles off. Thither the 
S'Gravenhagians greatly resort in summer, and plop in 
crowds into the sea, and subsequently, with the brisk 
appetite engendered by the dip, consume prodigious 
dinners at an hotel hard by, and listen to a band. — 
" For music is wholesome, the doctors all think, 
For ladies that bathe and for ladies that drink," 

as the poet of the Bath Guide says. The sultriness of 
the afternoon, however, brought on a fit of laziness, so 
I gave up Scheveningen, and happening to observe a 
path by a canal with a notice manifest to behold that 
"deze toegang ist verboden" the natural impulse, inci- 
dent to the perverseness of mortal inclinations, to do 
just what one "didn't ought" induced me to try it. As 
it proved any thing but an exciting walk, and my only 
pleasure consisted in being engaged in doing something 
" verboden," I was just considering the advisability of 
a return, when suddenly a virulent looking individual 
with a big stick and a truculent-eyed mastiff, popped 
out of a cottage in a warm state of excitement, and 
poured forth a volume of Dutch abuse with surprising 
volubility. I responded by what I considered to be a 
rather ingenious and graceful little pantomimic per- 



20 



forman ce, — quite a charade in embryo — intended to 
depict my sincere concern at not being able to under- 
stand what he meant, (though his meaning was pretty 
tolerably clear it must be owned), and was peacefully 
proceeding onwards, when my friend went through a 
kind of broadsword-exercise performance with the stick 
in an alarmingly hostile manner just in front of my 
nose ; so that the personal security of that important 
feature seemed seriously compromised. Of course there 
was no feigning to misunderstand that, the flourishing 
of a club over one's head being, as the Psalmist says, 
or rather as Tate and Brady say, " nature's voice, and 
understood alike by all mankind." So I withdrew my 
nose and person generally from jeopardy, and meekly 
retreated ; and finding a Roman Catholic church in 
which service was going on, joined the congregation 
there. In this, as in other Dutch churches, Roman 
Catholic and Protestant, they cut it rather fat, to use 
a Smithfield metaphor, in the assaults they make on 
the pockets of the devout on behalf of their numerous 
charities. An officer came round with a pole, having 
a little green bag suspended from its end, and shook it 
to demand contributions, so I dropped a small offering 
into it. Presently another came, and shook the bag at 
me in an impatient manner, but I considered that a 
second demand so soon was an unwarrantable attack 
upon the exchequer, and therefore dropped nothing in 
but a smile. A third, equally peremptory, was en- 
riched with precisely the same contribution as had been 
elicited by his predecessor ; and which, however grati- 
fying to his personal feelings, was not altogether so ad- 
vantageous to him in a pecuniary point of view ; though 



21 



certainly it was free from all tendency to produce a 
dangerous plethora in the ecclesiastic^revenues. 

After church, tea. They bring you, in Holland, 
little teapots, quite gems of neatness in their way, with 
little copper kettles fussing and fizzing energetically in 
bright little brass pails of charcoal, so that the connois- 
seur may enjoy the refreshing beverage properly made ; 
and does not risk being nauseated, as is too often the 
case in England, with a lukewarm potion of spoilt 
w r ater. 

Early next morning I consigned myself unresistingly 
to the guidance of a valet de place, and walked through 
the park to the Palace in the wood. " The origin of 
the town," says Murray, "may be traced to a hunting 
seat of the Counts of Holland, built here in 1250, and 
its name (S' Graven age) to the Count's hedge surround- 
ing their park." The palace in the wood is now only 
occasionally used for balls and dinners. The only re- 
markables in it are some rooms, the walls of which are 
covered with Japanese embroidery, beautifully worked 
by hand ; some paintings giving the effect of sculptures 
marvellously well, and a room covered with paintings 
by Jordaens. The Bosch or wood is about two miles 
long, intersected with beautiful, cool, shady walks, and, 
at the time of my visit, carpeted with a profusion of 
anemones ; the prettiest public pleasure ground that 
can possibly be. On Sundays, of course, all the beauty 
and fashion of the Hague is to be seen there, and a band 
plays. Every here and there are dotted cafes where 
people drink and smoke ; each of which, of course, sig- 
nifies its particular recommendations in its name, as 
" Buiten Lust," « Ruim Zight," &c. 



Leaving the Palace, we proceeded to the Museum, 
which is not large, but excellent as to its contents. 
The pictures are almost all by Dutch masters, and 
afford a rich treat to those who, like myself, are fond of 
that school. Not having time to study a number pro- 
perly, I confined myself principally to a protracted 
inspection of the two particular lions, namely, " the 
great Paul Potter," and the portrait by Rembrandt of 
Professor Tulp dissecting ; both of which pictures, but 
perhaps more especially the latter, exceeded my utmost 
expectations, although of the highest. Paul Potter's 
young bull is wonderful, as a copy of nature. The 
only thing which my eye could pick out to quarrel with 
was the heavy mass of brown of a cow lying down just 
beyond the bull. Some self-accredited connoisseur, who, 
as is usual with those gentry, are always in raptures 
over what appears unnatural to the observer of less 
assumption, would doubtless exclaim, in answer to the 
above remark, " That mass of brown ! why that's one of 
the most transcendant glories of the picture!" Very 
possibly it may be. The body of the "dissectee" in 
the Van Tulp picture is a marvellous representation of 
life, or, more properly speaking, death. There is a 
capital collection of Japanese curiosities in the lower 
rooms of the Museum. The Dutch are, or were, the 
only nation admitted into Japan, and therefore they 
have, of course, greater facilities than other nations for 
collecting from that curious country. I believe they 
kept up their privileges in Japan by annually going 
through the ceremony of stamping on the cross. Among 
the oddities that attracted my attention, were some suits 
of armour of Japanese warriors, made as demoniacal- 



looking as possible, to intimidate enemies. Each helmet 
was surrounded with a large pair of white horns ; an 
iron mask with a hideous grin was designed to cover 
the face, and bristled with a moustache of ultra-Haynau 
magnitude, on the upper lip. 

The next thing to be done was to visit the New 
Palace, the royal residence, which is interesting as con- 
taining several quite modern Dutch paintings. If these 
may be considered to indicate the condition of the art 
at this moment in Holland, it cannot be said that paint- 
ing is at present very flourishing there. The Palace 
also contains a tolerable collection of old paintings, of 
which a certain Murillo, on the left in the great hall, 
appeared to me the most beautiful ; or the most " charm- 
ing," as certain ladies say of everything that pleases 
them, from a Murillo to a mutton chop. It is a pity 
that the Russians should have been allowed to take 
away so many good pictures, as they lately did from this 
Palace, and carry them far out of the reach of the civi- 
lized world. I was pleased to stumble upon an old 
friend in the palace, in the shape of a certain Claude, 
of which a capital pen and ink copy has been made by 
the talented Marij Yan Der E — , and which is now in 
the collection of the Vrouw Pieter. 

After seeing the pictures, &c, I wandered, " permis- 
cuous like," as Mrs. Cluppins would say, into the Bin- 
nenhof, or inner court of the old Count's^ Place ; an 
ancient and rather triste looking gothic hall, now used 
as a criminal court, and for the drawing of the State 
lotteries, and for which latter purpose there are two 
gigantic wheels of fortune, which strangers would most 
likely guess to be some old barbarous instruments of 



24 



torture. They precisely resembled Masters' patent 
rotatory knife-cleaners, seen under a magnifying power 
of about 300. About the Hague may be seen many of 
the peculiar carts which the Dutch use, and which have 
no shafts or pole. A great wooden horn projects in 
front, upon which the driver puts his foot, and thereby 
guides the vehicle. So that if the charioteer happens 
to be in the normal state of the British waggoner, a 
little " how cum'd I so ?" or, as he would probably say 
of himself, " summut fresh in beer," the cart wambles 
alarmingly from side to side ; and not unfrequently, 
when the road lies along the top of a dam, peacefully 
subsides into the dyke below. There are some good 
private collections of pictures at the Hague, but having 
done the "Whole Duty of Tourist," and not having 
time for works of supererogation, I threw my bag on 
board the Trekschuit, or passage boat, for Leyden, in 
order to try the Dutch national mode of conveyance, or 
rather what was such till the railway put its pipe out, 
to use a metaphor peculiarly appropriate to any thing 
Dutch. It is well worth while to make a few journeys 
by Trekschuit to see the country at leisure, and more 
especially the villas. 

The Trekschuit is a covered barge, usually divided 
into separate divisions or bins for three classes of pas- 
sengers. The horse who draws it is ridden by a small 
boy, who gets about a penny a stage for his exertions. 
The silent highway, on leaving the Hague, conducted 
us for about six miles through a long succession of 
villas, each having its name, according to Dutch fashion. 
We did not meet with any of the more fanciful chris- 
tenings which Murray mentions, such as " Niet zoo 



k 

kwaalyk," — not so bad ; " Het vermaak is in't hovenie- 
ren," — there is pleasure in gardening ; " De vleescli 
potten van Egypte," — the flesh pots of Egypt ; " Myn 
genegenheid is Yoldaan," — my desire is satisfied ; 
&c, &c. The names of the villas that we passed were 
simple and unimaginative enough, consisting merely of 
every possible combination of Burg, Lust, Wyk, and 
Zight. There are no fences round the gardens, as they 
are of course sufficiently protected from trespassers by 
the ubiquitous moats. Each villa stands forty yards or 
so back from the canal ; and at the bottom of each gar- 
den, on the edge of the water, is built a round room, 
called, as we should call it, a zomerhuis. This is the 
favourite sitting room of the family, as they can work 
or read there, and see all that passes on the "road" 
without noise or dust. Emerging from the rows of 
villas, we came on open country, the fields on either 
side being polders, and much below our level. 

A polder is the dry basin of a •marsh or lake, and is 
thus made. When the marsh has been drained by large 
and powerful steam-pumps, it is prevented from again 
tilling, by the cutting of a dyke in square lines round 
the lowest part of the bed, into which the water which 
accumulates at the bottom is pumped up. A second 
dyke is then made in parallel lines to the first, some 
little way above and behind it, and into this is raised 
the overflow from the ditch below, and the drainage 
from the intermediate space ; and so by a series or tier 
of canals, one above the other, the water is at length 
raised to some great trunk stream which runs to the 
sea. But this is not all, for the water when it so at 
length reaches the shore, is often so much below the 



26 



mean level of the sea, that it must be assisted over 
high dams by pumping, or else makes its exit by sluice- 
gates only opened at low tide. "Windmills are generally 
employed to work the hydraulic machines. " Pumps 
are seldom used in draining, as the water is usually 
highly charged with silt, and is not required to be raised 
a very great height. The instruments employed are, 
the scoop-wheel, the Archimedian screw, and the inclined 
scoop-wheel or Eckhardt wheel." Of course, the great 
system of dams and dykes is enormously expensive. It 
has been stated by Telford, that the total cost of the 
hydraulic works between the Dollart and the Schelde, 
amounted to £300,000,000 ! Coiiseqently, taxes are 
high and provisions dear, but proper precautions against 
invasion from such watchful and dangerous enemies as 
the floods are indispensable to the existence of the 
country. Old Mr. Neptune, impatient as he is at being 
forcibly excluded from what he may consider with some 
propriety to be rightfully his own domain, would eagerly 
take advantage of the least remissness on the part of 
the garrison of the territory, and swallow up them and 
their land at one mighty gulp. The author of Hudibras 
describes Holland as 

" A country that draws fifty feet of water, 
In which men live as in the hold of nature ; 
And when the sea does in upon them break 
And drowns a province, does but spring a leak." 

And, 

"A land that rides at anchor, and is moored, 
In which they do not live, but go aboard." 

A large tract, near South Beverland, was thus sud- 
denly inundated some years ago ; and its place on the 



27 



map is now only marked as Verdronken land, or drown- 
ed land. There is a regularly established Government 
College for the education of the water civil engineers, 
called the Waterstaat. By cutting the dams, the whole 
country could of course be laid under water at any 
moment, a ruinous and desperate expedient occasionally 
resorted to in the wars with the Spaniards. 

About three hours brought us the twelve miles from 
the Hague to Leyden. Rembrandt was born in a 
windmill near Leyden. He is supposed to have ac- 
quired the taste for the coucentration and unity of light 
and shade which characterize his works from the pecu- 
liar light he must have been accustomed to in early life 
in his father's mill. Leyden is a large place ; dull as 
an university town should be, with an interminable 
High Street, in which is a curious old Town Hall. 
There are also two huge barns of churches. Principal 
inn, the Goude Zon, the golden sun, respectable and 
clean. There is the usual complement of canals round 
the town, with pleasant walks along the banks under 
the trees. An investment in a Dutch dictionary mate- 
rially improved my breakfast the next morning ; for 
the waiter, or " Jan," as that species of domestic animal 
is called in Holland, was a most unmitigated Dutchman, 
and understood not a word of French or English. He 
considered himself, however, an accomplished linguist, 
from keeping up a continuous lire of " Monsieur I" 
apropos to nothing particular, and with only a demi- 
semi-quaver rest between each discharge. The only 
conceivable interpretation of his profuse use of this 
ejaculation was, that being a bustling little man he 
adopted this mode, when not employed, of letting off 



28 



the steam of his spare energy ; or else intended it as a 
manifestation of his readiness for active service, as 
much as if he had said, " now then, Sir, what do you 
please to want ? give your orders, my boy ; speak the 
word, and here am I," &c. His active urbanity how- 
ever was totally unavailable to me, I wanted an egg, 
but the desire was incommunicable to him till the dic- 
tionary supplied the proper Dutch term for that comes- 
tible. My friend skipped away for it with the greatest 
alacrity, and brought it in triumph ; not over boiled, 
as it had been, from all appearances, immersed for a 
quarter of a minute in lukewarm water. The views of 
foreigners generally on the subject of the boiling of 
eggs often differ widely from our own. The extraor- 
dinary productions which they put upon the traveller's 
breakfast table, and seriously and really without in- 
tending any joke at all, expect him to consume, are 
after all much less obnoxious than the surprising orni- 
thological developements with which we are sometimes 
startled in this country. 

This day, Tuesday, was an incessant soaker, or what 
jocular meteorologists call a mouldy old day. I paddled 
or rather waded through the wet to see an Egyptian 
museum, where were, as is usual in such repositories, 
whole tribes of embalmed ladies and gentlemen ; but 
here there were also mummies of fishes, birds, and 
dogs, comic to behold. They suggested the notion of 
putting a favourite old dog of my own in pickle for the 
benefit of future generations. Near the Egyptian Mu- 
seum is the Japanese collection, the best thing of its 
kind in the world, of one Dr. Siebold, a Professor in 
the University. The valet de place was horrified at 



29 



my inflexible resolution not to visit the great Museum 
of Natural History, said to be the largest in the world. 
Very likely; but the natural history which it was more 
particularly my object to see were the annimated spe- 
cimens in the Dutch streets and shops. The same 
valet's hair seemed ready to stand on end with dismay 
on my flatly negativing his proposal to visit the famous 
garden laid out by Linnaeus and some other great 
botanical gun ; no doubt it is highly scientifically ar- 
ranged, but the most resolute of the many tourists, as 
the guide books call them, who devote themselves to 
martyrdom in sightseeing, would allow that to have 
marched up to the knees in mud to behold the thrilling 
spectacle of a large number of sodden vegetables ar- 
rayed in mystical groups and rows would have been 
any thing but exhilarating. So I took an early train 
to Haarlem. 

On approaching that town, the railway runs through 
gardens of the famous tulips which were just then in 
full splendour — ' 4 Deep tulips dashed with fiery dew," 
as a popular poet calls them. 44 La tulipe noire," by 
Alexander Dumas, is an amusing little story relating 
to the Dutch passion for tulips. Finding the great 
church at Haarlem closed, I got directed to the house 
of the principal nurseryman, bloemist en boomkweeker, 
as he termed himself, who lived in a suburban street 
full of gentry of the same profession. He conducted 
me round his garden, and disclosed some of the hidden 
mysteries of the cultivation of tulips and jonquils. His 
house too was worth seeing as a paragon of cleanliness, 
quite attaining to that ne plus ultra condition of spot- 
lessness and final consummation of the effects of succesd 



30 



fill scrubbing which imaginative housemaids describe 
when the j say that " you might eat your dinner off the 
floor anywhere." The hall was as usual paved with 
white marble, and the walls plated with Dutch tiles to 
the height of about four feet from the ground. But 
alas ! it was not the season to buy tulip -roots, which I, 
benighted cockney, did not know, so I contented my- 
self with a packet of flower seeds bearing unpronounce- 
able names, and had considerable misgivings that these 
would turn out to be the scientific terms for daisies and 
dandylions. There was a public performance on the 
great organ at one o'clock, but it was not very satisfac- 
tory. The organist played but indifferently, and did 
not put his instrument through its paces] to give us an 
idea of 

" The storm their high built organs make, 
And thunder- music rolling shake 

The prophets blazoned on the panes." 

The organ seemed to have a good tone, but not equal 
to that of the monster stentor, at Fribourg in Switzer- 
land. It is imposing from its prodigious size. The 
vox humana stop is fine, and there are some varieties 
of it. One of these gave the notion of a number of men 
singing, as admirably as the corresponding stop at Fri- 
bourg imitates voices of a higher pitch. The town hall 
at Haarlem is curious. In one street was a funny signal 
which is peculiar to Holland, and more especially so to 
this town ; namely, a lace pincushion, or rather the top 
of one, nailed to a house door to shew that a lady w r ith- 
in is in the straw. These pincushion tops are of a 
variety of colours, each colour having a known signifi- 
cation to the initiate (tyuvuina gwitoig^ " wdiich have a 



31 



voice for the wise," as Pindar says) as to whether a 
boy or girl has come into the world, and whether the 
mother and child are doing well. There is another odd 
custom in Holland in connexion with the same subject, 
which is this. When a birth takes place, etiquette re- 
quires that the friends of the family should call at the 
house to make enquiries, and be then regaled with 
bread and butter. If the new-born article be a male, 
rough white sugar-plums are spread over the bread, 
but if a female, smooth ones. I afterwards bought, as 
a curiosity, some of the sugar-plums manufactured for 
this purpose, and had a flirtation on the occasion with a 
a very interesting dear little Vrouw, so dean ! who 
supplied the same. But it was rather the pursuit of 
flirting under difficulties we found, since soft sayings 
do not improve by being strained through an interpre- 
ter ; so we were obliged to be content with looking un- 
utterable things at one another over the counter in- 
stead. 

Close to Haarlem is an enormous lake, the Haarleemer 
Meer, now in process of draining by means of three 
prodigious steam engines ; the Dutch Chambers having 
sanctioned the undertaking three or four years ago. 
The land gained will be about twenty-four times the 
size of the area of the city of Amsterdam ! i. e., about 
seventy square miles. The lake was about 12 feet 
deep. It is a pity that a polder like this could not be 
sent to the Great Exhibition, as there would have been 
nothing more curious among the marvels of human in- 
dustry there collected. Half weg (halfway) between 
Haarlem and Amsterdam is the place for that famous 
dish water zouche. Near this I got an opportunity of 



32 



seeing something of the formation of a dam. Piles of 
stones are first thrown down in unlimited quantities ; 
then come layers of clay and mud, held together by 
sand ; then earth and turf, and perhaps trees, with a 
road between them. The army of windmills at a small 
town opposite Amsterdam, across the river Y, called 
Saardam, where Peter the Great learnt ship-building, 
is very singular. The windmills are invariably a promi- 
nent feature in a Dutch landscape, and no wonder, for 
they are said to number 9000 in Holland. Near Gouda, 
I was able to count a hundred without turning round. 
Many of them are three times as large as ours, (what 
Pindar would call an v&iymov d'kaos^ and almost of as 
imposing a size as those marvellous structures repre- 
sented in old prints of Don Quixote's encounter with 
the windmills. Some are thatched down the sides, 
which gives them the appearance of having a rough fur 
coat on, and several are ornamented and christened. 
The Dutch having no coal, and only peat, wherew T ith to 
work steam engines, use wind power for all their manu- 
factories. 

Amsterdam is a stately city of very great size, con- 
taining a busy population of about 212,000 persons, and 
intersected of course by canals in all directions. The 
shops are substantial, and occasionally smart, particu- 
larly one draper's, which seemed to me more magnificent 
than anything of the kind at Paris, but not worthy to be 
named in comparison with the splendours in London. 
Probably in all such establishments there is a similar 
complement of bland gentlemen behind the counters, 
with spotless white neckcloths and insinuating address, 
to beguile half-reluctant ladies- into wild investments in 



33 



lace and ribbons, and thereby plunge their ill-fated 
husbands into hopeless abysses of pecuniary embarras- 
ment. It is an amusing sight to stand, regardless of 
commands from peremptory policemen to " move on," 
at a certain spot in Tottenham Court Road, and peep 
through the glass door of Shoolbreds' at the corps of 
ministering spirits behind the counter there, Observe 
one of them — him who is attending to that corpulent 
old lady in the snuff-coloured bonnet, who looks so 
unspeakably wretched on the narrow perch of a high- 
backed chair, though trying with all her might to look 
happy and secure. With what winning and tender grace 
he propounds the enquiry as to what she may be pleased 
to want ! With what surprising manual dexterity he 
whisks out a roll of silk, or calico, or flannel, as the case 
, may be, and has measured out and snipped off the de- 
sired length in infinitely less than no time ! With what 
an air of confidential and tender solicitude he asks what 
may be the next article he may have the pleasure of 
showing her this morning ! " Nothing in sarsnets, 
madam ? Now this is a very tasty thing indeed, and 
very moderate; yes. we can sell you this as low as 
ninepence, the pattern too is exceedingly chaste. Now 
this also is a superb thing, and the colours are singu- 
larly rich : this would become you, particularly, Madam, 
and it is also a very unusual bargian." But the lady, 
scopulis surdior Icari, is inflexible in rigid self-denial, 
and economical resolutions, so the insidious blandish- 
ments of the tempter fall without effect. Yes, even 
when he holds up the last new thing in satin, and soft- 
ly sighing, says, " sweet thing !" with gentle emotion, 
she remains grimly impregnable to persuasion, and is 

3 



34 



wholly unmoved by the last despairing appeal of "no- 
thing in flanneUings ?" And then when you begin to 
think he must be getting a little tired with his exer- 
tions, with what unimpaired alacrity he whips out a 
pen from a curly recess in the. auricular demesnes, and 
then, all undaunted by the perilous addition of fractions 
to be encountered in the very first column. dashe9 
through complicated arithmetical calculations with 
twenty-ready-reckoner speed and accuracy ! But he 
hasn't half done yet. With what an appearance of 
something like sorrowful deprecation he receives the 
money, as though he didn't like taking it. and was half 
inclined to protest against ii altogether, and obeying 
the generous impulse of his heart make a present of 
the goods out and out ! But he has prevailed on him- 
self to take it. and has slipped off for change, which he 
brings back, possibly in a neat envelope ; and then, as 
if bent on raising the obligations under which he has 
laid her of the bonnet to a climax, skips in feverish 
haste [to open the door for her (don't try to anticipate 
him, ma'am, for it would break his heart), and bows 
her out with a smile of ineffable sweetness and amia- 
bility. But stay a moment longer just to look at the 
cashier, who inhabits the pew, or bin, or sentry box in 
the middle of the shop, and deals out change to a 
throng of impatient applicants faster than old centi- 
manus Gyges himself, with his hundred hands, could 
have done it. Yet he is always calm and collected, al- 
though the very nucleus of the bustling whirl of the 
whole establishment, and called as many ways at once 
as would have reduced a thousand Figaros to the last 
extremity of distraction and despair. But now you 



35 



must keep a little out of sight, and take only a sly 
and modest peep at the elderly gentleman with the ur- 
bane, yet strong minded, countenance, who paces slow- 
ly up and down the nave, so to call it, of the shop, and 
has now just turned his face towards us. He is one of 
the partners in the business, or at° any rate a high po- 
tentate in the establishment, and saunters in dignified 
leisure, awing and subduing the throng around him. 
Like " the staid lieutenant," whose look, gait, &c, 
Byron so graphically describes by a single word. What 
unimpeachable integrity is written on his face ! How 
intensely respectable his massive watch chain ! What 
irreproachable purity of character is shadowed forth 
by the unsullied spotlessness of his very boots ! He 
is a rigid and inflexible disciplinarian however, and 
frowns grimly on the slightest breach of propriety. 
But though such a " Jupiter omnipotens," and some- 
times also " tonans," he can be bland too, nay even 
condescending, to those who show themselves worthy 
of such notice by becoming his customers. Just at 
this moment, see, he is bowing with graceful courtesy 
to a young woman with a basket on her arm, who is 
leaving the shop, and dismisses the happy object of 
such favour all in a glow of pride and exultation at the 
distinction. But this is a digression. 

There are at Amsterdam three canal streets, perhaps 
the finest of the kind in the world, partly encircling 
the town in parallel curves two or three miles long. A 
new Exchange has lately been built, [with great diffi- 
culty, as it would persist in sinking into the mud as 
fast as they raised it], where the merchants meet every 
afternoon at three o'clock ; every one who comes late 

3* 



36 



being fined. This being the season at which the fa- 
shionables of Amsterdam leave town, the contents of 
several of the houses were being turned out into barges 
for transmission into the country. One of the funniest 
sights in Amsterdam are the sedan chairs, called sleep- 
koets, drawn by horses, but without wheels. It was 
formerly the custom for the driver to run by the side 
and occasionally lubricate the stones with drops of oil 
or tallow to diminish the friction, but this comical 
practice is disappearing. I didn't try this very original, 
or rather aboriginal, mode of conveyance, but rather 
regret not having so done, in order to have discovered 
whether the drivers' estimation of distances, and their 
arithmetical calculations in respect of fares, are as in- 
scrutable as those of the British " cabby." Before hav- 
ing been long in the town, I saw an individual in a 
long black cloak with a cocked hat and sword, (some- 
thing between a Spanish caballero and a parish beadle), 
walking in a prodigious hurry. This was an " aans- 
preker" or undertaker, on a mission to announce a 
death to the friends of the deceased. My quarters 
were at the Hotel Doelen, in the Doelen Straat, a good 
house, but expensive. At the table d'hote there I made 
acquaintance with two young Englishmen, engaged in 
the undertaking of making arrangements for bringing 
a supply of water from Utrecht to Amsterdam by pipes. 
At present they are very ill off in that respect at Am- 
sterdam, for it is " water, water, everywhere, and not 
a drop to drink," as the auncient marinere said. The 
little they have is fetched in gallon jugs from some 
miles off, (the gallon costs about fourpence), or else is 
brought in covered barges which are filled till they 



37 



sink to the level of the surface of the canal, and are 
then towed to Amsterdam. As the water is pumped 
out, the barge gradually emerges again, and when 
empty is towed back for more. After dinner the 
watermen and myself went together to the French 
theatre ^to hear the Huguenots, which was well done, 
but leaving much to be desired. Grog with the water- 
men, and then bed. 

At intervals, through the night, at Amsterdam, a 
watchman comes down the street and springs his rattle, 
and performs a kind of Gregorian chaunt, in connec- 
tion, probably, with the meteorological observations 
which those gentry are in the habit of reporting. Our 
friend who patrolled the Doelen Straat on this particu- 
lar evening was most dismally hoarse ; as if he had all 
the dampest night fogs that had ever risen from the 
canals in his throat ; and from the choky nature of the 
performance, he seemed to be gasping forth his intelli- 
gence through a multitudinous series of thick wrappers 
drawn over his mouth. 

Up in good time next morning, and having done an 
apology for a hurried breakfast, and chartered a com- 
missionaire, (these are necessary evils in Dutch cities,) 
I set off to see the town. Having explored all the re- 
markable parts, we proceeded to view the Old Church, 
in which there is nothing worthy of much notice, 
except perhaps the enormous sounding-board over the 
pulpit, but which is common in a degree to all Dutch 
churches. The same may be said of the New Church ; 
but in the course of exploring this, I became ac- 
quainted with a curious custom of the Dutch in their 
marriage ceremonies. A kind of pew is railed off in 



38 



the Church, and this is carpeted and decorated accord- 
ing to the means of the victims. Here they stand 9 to 
be turned off, as we expressively describe that process. 
The poorer folk have the noose adjusted early in the 
morning. As the day advances, the richer couples are 
strung up ; and about three o'clock, the great swells 
come on for execution : each class paying according to 
the hour. 

From the Churches we proceeded to the Palace, 
which is externally a very imposing building, sur- 
mounted by a gigantic "statue of Atlas supporting a 
huge globe, like Mr. Wyld's turned inside out. The 
interior of the Palace is not remarkable, with the ex- 
ception of the ball-room, which is 100 feet high, and 
affords " ample space and verge enough" for legs of 
the most excursive temperament to perform their evo- 
lutions. One might tolerate here, without a murmur, 
those pests of society who perversely waltz holding 
their arms stretched stiff out at full length like sign- 
posts or gallows. Some of the doors about the build- 
ing are adorned with appropriate little figures. One 
room, which was formerly a lady's boudoir, is decorated 
with a pair of doves billing over the entrance. An- 
other, which was formerly the office for auditing bank- 
rupts' accounts, bears a figure of Icarus, prone in pre- 
cipitous descent, over the threshold ; symbolling, rather 
happily, calamitous speculative enterprise. The view 
from the top of the building is very fine. I saw a 
broad bay of the sea in which was a ship of 100 tons 
or more sailing about. The bay was all but circum- 
vented by a dam, the ends of which appeared to be 
rapidly approaching an union, so that any one who 



39 



visits Amsterdam some months hence will, no doubt, 
find that identical bay a rich green polder, with its 
dykes and windmills, and full of fat cows and sheep ; 
the converse of the state of things described in Horace 
Car. I. 2. 

The next thing to be seen was the Museum of Pic- 
tures, a most beautiful collection. Many of the pic- 
tures are hung on large shutters, so that they can be 
drawn out into the most advantageous light, which is a 
great convenience* The one of deservedly the greatest 
reputation is the Schuttersmaaltijd, or the Banquet of 
the Musqueteers, by Van Der Heist, and represents the 
Burgher guard of Amsterdam and their leader, Wits, 
met to celebrate the treaty of Westphalia. There are 
twenty-five figures the size of life, all portraits. Kug- 
ler says, "In this colossal picture we see the full length 
of the splendid table with all its joyous guests. The 
captain in a black dress sits tranquilly in the centre, 
turned to the spectator, with one leg thrown over the 
other, and in his hand the blue silk banner with the 
arms of the city. Around, are his stout companions in 
arms in admirable groups, jesting and revelling, drink- 
ing, and pressing each other's hands to their hearts' 
content. The most varied individual character, rough, 
jovial, and active, but faithfully reflected from nature, 
the greatest richness in the materials of the glittering 
arms and drinking vessels, the solid broad free hand- 
ling, all combine to give this work an unique value 
among pictures of its class." The same work is cha- 
racterised by Sir Joshua Reynolds as "perhaps the 
finest picture of portraits in the world, and compre- 



40 



hending more of those qualities which make a perfect 
portrait than any other he had ever seen." 

Being an amateur of fishes, I visited the fish-market 
and found it well supplied with the enormous perch 
that are caught in the canals. Hard by the market is 
a curious old gate of the town, close to which are twc 
unaccountable square sockets in the pavement. In these 
holes, every three months, two pillars are fixed, and on 
them a stage, on which accounts are settled with crimi- 
nals by whipping. In Amsterdam, as in other cities of 
Holland, shops for the sale of female ornaments abound. 
I supposed that certain broad plates, used as ornaments 
for the top and sides of the head, must be of brass, but 
was assured that they were entirely of gold, and cost 
from £7 to £10 a piece, and sometimes even more. 
They descend as heirlooms in families. The goldsmiths' 
shops are periodically visited by government scrutineers, 
who lodge informations against the proprietors if alloy 
is sold. The Frieslanders wear the most picturesque 
costume, and these broad plates of gold give them rather 
the appearance of being helmeted. The Dutch costumes, 
generally, are very pretty and various ; much more so 
than those of the Swiss at the present day : that is, the 
women's, for the men dress like John Bulls. Each dis- 
trict has its own particular characteristic dress and 
ornaments, which seemed to be rigidly adhered to. 
There are altogether twenty-four varieties. 

After having rummaged Amsterdam, we ferried 
across the river Y (pronounced Eye) to Buiksloot, where 
begins the great ship-canal which runs to the Helder, 
a distance of fifty-one miles. At the surface it is 124 



41 



feet wide, and at the bottom 31 feet, and 21 feet deep. 
It has locks only at each end. The level of the canal 
at Buiksloot is ten feet below the mean height of the 
sea, and of course very much below high tides. The 
cost of the work was nearly £1,500,000. By means of 
this, vessels of any tonnage can easily get up from the 
German ocean to Amsterdam at all times, instead of 
running the chance of sticking for an indefinite term in 
the deep mud of the Zuider Zee ; rather an unsatis- 
factory position for those on board. It is indeed a 
grand national undertaking, and would do credit to a 
far mightier nation than the Dutch. 

At Buiksloot, not having time to walk to Broek, and 
being not desirous of paying the heavy charge for a 
regular carriage, I with some difficulty prevailed on an 
innkeeper to let me have a pony chaise. It resembled 
in some respects a peculiar breed of vehicle that we used 
to call at Tv'inchester a rattledum. The lilliputian 
steed, however, who was destined to draw it, did not 
approve of the arrangement at all, for we saw him 
galloping round a neighbouring polder, making frantic 
splashes through canals, and recklessly attempting im- 
possible jumps in his endeavours to escape ; hotly pur- 
sued by a pursy little Dutch boy, so exceeding short as 
to the lower limbs, that he looked like an oyster-barrel 
on castors. Nature really had not given him anything 
like his fair due in respect of legs, so that his capacity 
for rapid locomotion was exceedingly limited. In spite, 
however, of such physical disadvantages, he scuffled 
along with unyielding pertinacity, and appeared to be 
animated by some extravagant hopes, wholly unwar- 
ranted by any reasonable probability, that he was going 



42 



to effect the capture. Mr. Pony was, (how, I am not in 
a position to state,) at last caught, and brought up in 
triumph ; so steamy that he walked in a moist fog, and 
so utterly rough, that his appearance was about equally 
suggestive of a door-mat and a Russian bear. His 
tail (he hadn't auything particular in that way to speak 
of,) was tied up in a tight nob, and yet the hairs blew 
away so fast, that I expected shortly to see nothing but 
a bare little fleshy peg remaining. He manifested, of 
course, deep disgust at being forced into the shafts, and 
was disposed to be quite pettish, but ultimately yielded 
to expostulation and the stroking of his nose, and tes- 
tified the renewal of an amicable frame of mind by de- 
positing a small cake of froth on my coat sleeve. Just 
as we started, they threw into the chaise what appeared 
to be a brick, but it turned out, of all things in the 
world, to be our Bucephalus's dinner ! He proved a 
jolly little fellow, and tugged at the reins manfully ; a 
proceeding fraught with peril to the said reins, which 
were in fact two old green bell-ropes. Fifty minutes or 
so brought us to Broek, by common consent the cleanest 
village in the world. Here used to be made great 
numbers of the little round Dutch eheeses. At the 
entrance of the village is a warning not to smoke with- 
out a cover to the pipe for fear of making a litter with 
the ashes ! There are no carriage roads through the 
place, but the footpaths are all paved with clinkers, 
and regularly washed, with flannel probably, and then 
strewed with sand in patterns like Alum Bay bottles. 
Possibly they may go so far as to puff-ball them, like 
babies, after their ablutions, but I omitted to investigate 
this point. All the houses have, in addition to the door 



43 



for ordinary use, another a little raised above the ground, 
and remarkable from having no handle. This door is only- 
opened twice during the occupancy of each successive 
tenant ; once when he brings his bride home, and once 
when he is carried out through it to his last home in 
the churchyard. My guide took me to a farm-house, 
and showed me first the cowhouse, where were various 
ingenious devices in the way of troughs for preventing 
the least uncleanliness. All the cows stood in a row, 
with their tails tied towards the ceiling by ropes to 
prevent their getting dirty. The hair of the upper 
part of the tail is close clipped with the same view, and 
the wisp at the end is regularly washed every day. 
But the inside of the farm-house was the marvel. The 
kitchen was very snug and pretty with its goodly 
store of Delft crockery ranged around it. The fire 
blazed in a brass cauldron, here the substitute for a 
grate ; but the quaintest things were the chairs, which 
were, according to the custom of the country hereabouts, 
balanced against the wall, instead of standing straight 
on their proper legs, as sober orthodox chairs are ex- 
pected to do. But oh ! the sanctum or shrine of neatness 
beyond, kept for grand occasions, and at other times 
only entered once a week by the mistress of the house 
to be reverentially scoured ! Its most prominent orna- 
ment was a Dutch clock, really aristocratic and hand- 
some, and as unlike as possible to the daubed horrors 
which we here unjustly dignify with that title. On 
the table was a pair of painted sabots, worn only on 
high holidays. Seeing a heap of tin boxes in a corner, 
I enquired what they might be for, and was told they 
were to be sent off with the daughter of the mis- 



44 



tress of the house to start house -keeping with, as 
she was to be married the next week. I dropped a 
contribution into the money-box for luck, and made 
through the interpreter the best speech I could 
churn at short notice to the mother of the intended 
bride, expressive of my wishes for her daughter's hap- 
piness. This appeared to gratify the good old soul, as 
she repeated, Danke wohl Mynheer, several times, and 
produced a bottle of anisette to drink the bride's health; 
a glass of which execrable fluid I managed to dispose of 
with exemplary fortitude; it is to be hoped without mani- 
festing as deep disgust as that with which a similar victim, 
a certain old spaniel at our sick-house at Winchester, 
used, vicariously, to take pills, draughts, and even em- 
brocations ! I beg, however, solemnly and emphatically 
to deny ever having acted as administrator of such to the 
ill-fated Dash. He disappeared at last without favour- 
ing the medical world with any of his observations, 
which would have been invaluable, as nobody ever 
attained so complete an acquaintance, from personal 
experience, with every item in the British Pharmaco- 
posia in every possible variety of combination, as he. 
The sensations of the ill-starred Dash were probably 
too complicated for accurate definition: my feelings, 
after the anisette, were those of one who has inadvert- 
ently swallowed a box of lucifer matches, and thereby 
has a fiery heartburn kindled within him. 

After this, we visited the Lion of Broek, the clergy- 
man's garden, round which we were conducted by a 
sweet little vrou^wlein, quite transparently clean. 

It may be observed, that Dutch damsels of modern 
days are not encased in that redundancy of petticoat 



4o 



which was formerly the fashion. In clays of old, a 
series of changes of that interesting garment constituted 
a maiden's dowry, and therefore as the whole stock in 
trade were worn together, irrespective of number, upon 
the person, a rich heiress was rather a voluminous 
matter. The worthy pastor's garden was intersected 
by numerous little canals, bestrid by fanciful little 
bridges, and sprinkled with Lilliputian temples, so that 
it looked altogether like some Italian scene, viewed 
through a telescope turned the wrong way. In sum- 
mer, two tin swans adorn a miniature lake, and a deal 
clergyman fishes ; quite as intelligent an ecclesiastic 
as some of the luminaries who adorn our Establish- 
ment, — to judge from their discourses. At this time, 
one of the birds was gone to have a leak stopped, and 
his reverence was also absent for a new coat (of paint). 
There was also a truculent-looking image, with a gun, 
sitting in a corner to represent a sportsman, or, pos- 
sibly, as it was decorated with a farouche moustache of 
impossible magnitude, a bandit, — put there to give a 
touch of wildness and romance to the softer illusions of 
the scene. In one place was a cottage completely fur- 
nished, and inhabited by figures the size of life, con- 
sisting of an old woman spinning, an old man turning 
the wheel, and a dog. The dear little guide wound the 
cottage up, and the man began to turn the wheel, the 
old lady to spin, and the dog to open his mouth and 
bark ; at least he made the conventional imitation of a* 
bark, — a sort of spasmodic croup, with a loud accom- 
paniment of ticking and wheels. When the machinery is 
in very apple-pie order, the old man smokes also. Si- 



46 



milar figures are seen in many Dutch gardens, but 
they are not generally multiplied so extravagantly 
as in his reverence's domains at Broek. Alas ! for 
the departure of the moving wax- work, which was a 
similar entertainment, in Windmill Street, whose place 
is now supplied by attractions of a more exceptionable 
character. Alas ! for the departure of the dwarf who 
described the figures, and gave such astounding ver- 
sions of classical biography ! " The first group on the 
right represents Coriolanus before the walls of Rome — 
His mother is a beseechin' of him to spare his country. 
Observe the motion of his eyes ; the heavin of his 
chest ; the quiverin of his leg — Observe too the motion 
of the soldier behind him. I suppose you think as that 
ere man's alive — Lord love you, he's no more alive 
than you are. The next group on the right represents 
the meeting of Pope Leo the Tenth, and Mark Antony 
after the battle of Navarino," &c. &c. My friend's 
solution of the mystery, why people went round in the 
centrifugal railway, (for that was an additional attrac- 
tion in the exhibition,) and didn't tumble out, was 
quite an original developement of the cause of that 
phenomenon. " Here, ladies and gen'lemen, (the bril- 
liant circle consisting generally of myself,) you see the 
centrifewgal railway, which acts on the principle as all 
bodies which is lohirled round in a circle has always a 
tendency to fly towards the centre!" After all, my 
poor friend's notion of centrifugal force was in truth 
hardly more vague than that generally entertained. 
Some of the trees in the garden had their trunks 
scraped. In the North of Holland they are often 



47 



painted, like ancient British warriors ; to keep down 
id sects, as they say, but more likely, if the truth were 
known, for ornament. 

Having pretty well explored Broek, we harnessed 
Mr. Poney again, who brought us on the wings of the 
wind back to Buiksloot ; where he arrived with no 
material tail to boast of, and minus one or two of his 
shoes ; very mettlesome however on the strength of 
the delicious brick on which he had regaled himself 
while waiting. From Buiksloot, back to Amsterdam 
by Trekschuit and a steam ferry. The harbour of Am- 
sterdam has a double row of piles running parallel with 
the shore, with openings at intervals overlooked by a 
guard-house. This is a good plan to prevent smug- 
gling in boats, Dinner, and then to the great Theatre, 
which is far away from everything, on the outskirts of 
the town. It is of very great size, but too plain, and 
shewed " a beggarly account of empty boxes ;" al- 
though the acting seemed to be not amiss. The un- 
lucky commissionaire, having only Dutch legs, was 
about this time quite knocked up by the dance I had 
led him all day, 

I had just turned into bed at a very late hour, when 
a red glare of fire in the sky suddenly made itself visible 
from my window : so I threw on my clothes again as 
quickly as possible ; and, guided by the flames, which 
shot higher and higher each moment, ran towards the 
spot. There was, however, already a cordon miliiaire 
formed in a wide circle round the place, so that none could 
approach. The thick crowds of people thronging the 
sides and bridges of a long wide canal, and some church 
spires near, brought out into strong relief in the glare 



48 



of the conflagration, had a most picturesque effect. The 
building proved to be a large turf magazine, which was 
just the best material possible for a bonfire, and the 
night was propitious, being pitch dark. The flames 
were at length subdued, owing, probably, to the con- 
venience of the canal water so close at hand. 

Off very early the next morning to Utrecht, and 
established myself at the "Pays Bas," as capital an 
hotel as can possibly be, and said to be the best in 
Holland. Utrecht is well off for hotels, for the Belle 
Vue, it is said, is much to be recommended. The Jan 
at the Pays Bas amused me by saying that he had 
heard from good authority that there were 20,000 
Americas coming to London to the Great Exhibition, 
and he quite agreed to my remark in reply, that in that 
case London would be very full. Utrecht is a nice, 
pretty, cheerful place, with good shops, and encircled 
by lovely boulevards. There are the remains of a very 
fine cathedral, which was demolished by lightning some 
time ago. The remaining parts are the choir and the 
tower at the western end, the street passing across what 
was once the nave. So that the bits of building which 
are left somewhat resemble the parts of a wasp which 
has had the misfortune to be cut in half ; an incon- 
venience which seems constantly occurring to that 
insect, and to which its peculiar physical conformation 
renders it particularly liable.- The tower is 321 feet 
high, and from its top may be seen a great part of Hol- 
land spread out like a map ; the high tower of Amers- 
foort, and the two spires of Hertogenbosch, better 
known by its French name of Bois le Due, being 
marked features in the panorama. At Utrecht the 



49 



country begins to undulate a little, and here the canals 
are not on a level with the houses, but in hollows below. 
In the fish-market were dried red eels exposed largely 
for sale ; a delicacy apparently of particular attraction 
to certain Vrouws, but which, regarded as a comes- 
tible, made my blood run cold.* Having in two or 
three hours well explored Utrecht, I proceeded by 
train to Arnheim. 

The railway cuts for several miles through tracts of 
sand which look like, and may very likely be, Dunes on 
one of their inland tours. About Arnheim the country 
becomes, by comparison, quite mountainous, and here 
are the chief seats of the Dutch nobility. One of the 
smartest of them overlooks the railway terminus at 
Arnheim. It belongs to a baron with one of those 
hopelessly unpronounceable names, all consonants, which 
Southey describes in the march to Moscow : — 

" After them came 

A terrible man, with a terrible name ; 

A name which we all know by sight very well, 

But which no one can speak and no one can spell." 
From motives of curiosity, I requested an innkeeper 
to pronounce the baron's title to me, but can give no 
idea of the sound, except that it was something very 
unmellifluous, and a compromise between a hiccup and 
a growl. 

Arnheim is, in some respects, a pretty town, but dull 
as any place can be. It contains no remarkable build- 

* They were also objectionable on the same ground as is occasion- 
ally French butter, which is sometimes so unsurTerably rank as not to 
be approached within three yards to leeward with impunity. You 
indignantly summon the gar con. He shrugs his shoulders, and re- 
marks with calm nonchalance, a Ah oui cest un pen fort ! " 

4 



50 



ings but two great churches, one of which is surmounted 
by a prodigiously high tower in the pure Dutch-pigeon- 
house style of architecture. A river runs by the town 
called the Rhine. Quantum mutatus ab illo ! But it 
is not the Rhine, though the water is undeniably Rhine 
water. Having explored the place, I made a large in- 
vestment in Dutch story books, and established myself 
on a seat in the boulevards to read them. One was 
Roodcapje, or Little Red Riding Hood, a very old 
friend in Dutch costume : which afflicting narrative of 
wolfish perfidy held me entranced till the evening, when 
there was a train back to Utrecht. 

Set off very early next morning by diligence to 
Gouda, sending on my bag by the same conveyance to 
Rotterdam. The road between Utrecht and Rotterdam 
is paved almost throughout with clinkers. A great 
many parts of Holland are entirely destitute of stones of 
any kind, so that some such artificial materials for roads 
as clinkers are indispensible. We passed whole tribes 
of storks. These birds are much petted in Holland, 
and protected by laws. In many places, posts are put 
up in the fields, surmounted by cartwheels, for them to 
build their nests upon. The Dil rumbled along plea- 
santly enough at its usual sober pace of about five 
miles an hour, and arrived about the middle of the day 
at Gouda ; a dull old place, but where the best cheeses 
are made. I quitted the sedate old vehicle here for the 
purpose of seeing the painted glass windows in the great 
church. These were formerly considered the finest in 
the world, but they are certainly pretty considerably 
eclipsed by those at St Maria Hilth at Munich, and 
many others now a-days. There proved to be do inn nor 



51 



valet de place, so that getting into the church at all 
appeared slightly problematical. That feat, however, 
was eventually accomplished by the aid of a small 
Dutch coin, a little pantomime, and a friendly female. 
Having read of a curious book, descriptive of the win- 
dows, I endeavoured to get my fair cicerone to bring 
it, but she would persist in thinking that my ambition 
w^as that, common to most John Bulls, of writing my 
name in the visitors 9 book. My invaluable friend the 
dictionary having been inadvertently sent on to Rotter- 
dam, I had no further means of elucidating my wishes 
than by looking despondingly at the windows, as if 
sighing for an interpretation of them. At last the 
light flashed upon her, and she produced " The Ex- 
planation of the famous and renowned Glaswork, or 
painted windows, in the fine and eminent church at 
Gouda, for the use and commodity of both inhabitans 
and foreigners who come to see this artificial work." 
A particularly diverting little volume, worthy of a place 
in Disraeli's Curiosities of Literature, and containing 
grammatical and orthographical devices of very con- 
siderable ingenuity. Not being able to find any means 
of conveyance to Rotterdam, my only resource was to 
take the points of the compass from a church, and set 
off walking in a sou- westerly direction. I judged it 
prudent, however, on ieaviDg the town, to inquire of a 
benign -looking baker whether the track was right or 
not, and he told me in Dutch, which was fortunately 
intelligible, that the road was just the other way! On 
retracing my steps, I perceived another church standing 
at nearly right angles to the one which had been my 
compass ; so that, if to point east and west be, as is 



52 



generally supposed, the orthodox position of such 
edifices, Dutch churches, whatever Romish may be, 
are not always " infallible " as guides. The road which 
the benevolent baker had indicated terminated in a 
canal, which was not very encouraging. There being, 
however, a way both to the right and left, I took the 
former at a venture. After a short time it began to 
wax " Thin by degrees, and beautifully less," and to 
lose all resemblance to a Dil road ; so, meeting an old 
fish Vrouw, I brought all my available stock of Dutch 
into action for information. She straightway burst 
forth into an impassioned oration^ perfectly unintelli- 
gible to me, but which, from the tone and emphasis, 
seemed to be something to the effect of " Lor' bless the 
man; what was he thinking of; that way to Rotter- 
dam ! " &c. &c. We walked together for some little 
time, my ears being of course pricked up to catch any- 
thing that could be construed and turned to account ; 
and from the little bits and scraps which were to be 
made out here and there, it seemed that the way lay 
over a certain drawbridge, and then straight on. 
Having gone through my whole stock in trade of 
Dutch words expressive of thanks (not the most ex- 
tensive vocabulary, consisting of " Danke wohl," and a 
brace or so of interjections), with varieties of emphasis 
to mitigate the sameness of repetition, I set off in pur- 
suit of the bridge and road therefrom, and was not 
sorry to find the same, having had at one time grim 
apprehensions of being doomed to walk for the rest of 
my days round and round Gouda like the legendary 
Wandering Jew. The road ran for seven or eight 
miles along the top of a dam, and then descending, 



53 



about the same distance through fens between willows. 
As it neared Rotterdam, it gradually assumed the cha- 
racter of a street of villas. Each villa here was, as 
elsewhere, surrounded with its moat, spanned by a little 
drawbridge, which is kept raised till required to be 
lowered for the admission of visitors ; thus forming a 
most effectual defence against tramps, that is, if Dutch 
tramps are imbued with the same mortal antipathy to 
water as are their English compeers. 

I devoted the remaining daylight, after reaching Rot- 
terdam, in exploring the shops, and made wholesale in- 
vestments in gingerbread for exportation. This is a 
very extensive article of commerce in Holland. There 
it is usually made with honey, and is very unlike the 
doubtful compounds of earth, treacle, and sawdust with 
which its good name is profaned elsewhere. Some of 
the varieties are highly spiced, so much so, that any 
large consumer would be, on his decease, already 
embalmed. The Dutch confectioners, too, have a habit 
of writing inscriptions in flour and water on their cakes 
of gingerbread, some of which are quite gems of senti- 
ment not unworthy of the great Toole himself : showing 
how much of the poetical and intellectual may be im- 
parted even to the homeliest matters. Having a small 
matter to transact at an office in Rotterdam, I presented 
myself there, accompanied, in case of need, by an inter- 
preter. The Dutchman found it quite incomprehensible 
how the euphonious name of *** could by any possi- 
bility be only one syllable, or how indeed a word so 
spelt could be pronounced at all. One enterprising 
gentleman favoured me with his notion of it, which was 
a spasmodic sound, partaking equally of a whistle and 



54 



a sneeze. They persisted at last in describing rne as 
'■'Mynheer Any," which was rather an infelicitous 
essay, as this version did not happen to contain a 
single letter of the illustrious name which it repre- 
sented. 

Next morning, Saturday, I started at 7 a.m. for 
London by the " Rainbow," leaving Holland with 
much regret, as being a most interesting country, 
abundantly repaying the trouble of a visit ; and, for 
myself, having experienced in a very short stay there a 
great deal of kindness and good nature. On board the 
Rainbow was a German band, who enlivened us by 
practising their stock of tunes in the forecabin. For- 
tunately, the sea was pretty smooth, or the airs might 
have descended into the minor key. There was, also, 
a German confectioner, bringing over with him a vast 
sarcophagus of deal, with an imposing inscription on 
the lid, admonishing an admiring public generally that 
inside was " The grand bouquet of eatable sugarflowers 
for the Great Exhibition." When the precious box, 
containing the result of probably many months* labour, 
was being landed, the poor confectioner kept dancing 
up and down the wharf in an agony of apprehension 
lest it should come to harm. Happily, however, it 
arrived safely at its destination in the Crystal Palace. 
Tbere were, also, several other Germans on board, one 
of whom, after suffering from the effects of the sea all 
day, languidly raised his head from his berth in the 
evening, and proffered a faint request to the stewardess 
to "make" him an egg; a demand which that unfeeling 
functionary was immoderately amused with. Unhappily 
for those who object to the motion of a vessel at sea. 



55 



the insular position of England makes it difficult to 
return to it otherwise than by water, and therefore 
homebound travellers are often on landing at Lon- 
don Bridge more inclined to ask for " a little weak 
brandy and water/' than to surrender themselves to 
poetical impulses and exclaim with Scott, <4 This is 
mine own my native fog.*' Twenty -four hours on 
board a crowded steamer makes one much too dirty 
to be poetical. When we were about fifty miles from 
the mouth of the Thames, a violent squall came on. 
Our captain, a dapper little man, with a delicate voice, 
prim attire, and elegant little feet cased in boots of 
jetty spotlessness, w r as scarcely now to be recognised 
buttoned up to the eyes in waterproof, and surmounted 
by a sou -wester hat, bawling orders to the sailors with 
a hoarse roar like a train in a tunnel, with occasional 
ejaculatory exhortations, reminding one of gusts of 
wind, in the chimney. The night was so extremely 
dark, that in coming up the Thames we ran full tilt 
against a buoy, and damaged his head, poor little 
fellow ! and then, grating over a sandbank, demolished 
a beacon set thereupon, whereon our captain thought it 
best to anchor till daylight, which did not seem a very 
unreasonably precaution. TVe all allowed that it was 
the most judicious course to remain where we were, 
as we were, in point of fact, fast aground ! A select 
party of us established ourselves in a snug corner in 
the cabin, and desired the steward to "keep on bring- 
ing grog hot and strong till further notice;" wmereby 
the night passed pleasantly enough. Fortunately for 
us, the brandy w r as good. To some people, that par- 
ticular spirit is not devoid of associations on board a 



56 



ship which are not so appetizing as those connected 
with it in relation to mince pies at Christmas. There 
did not happen to be a pack of cards on board, otherwise 
I should have been glad to learn the Dutch game of 
44 ombre,*' which is a kind of whist, but more com- 
plicated. 

T will not protract these notes of mine to a more 
intolerable length, being painfully conscious how woe- 
fully dull is the song I have been singing; but should 
you, most amiable reader, wish to know something more 
about the canals, and the bridges, and the polders, and 
the ships, and the towns, and the organs, and the 
tulips, are not these things written in the book of 
Murray? Should you be fond of Dutch paintings, yet 
object to crossing the sea to pay your homage to 44 the 
great Paul Potter/' you should go to see the very 
beautiful Cuyp in Mr. Holford's collection in Russell 
Square. It is a view of Dort, and, in its way, quite 
unsurpassed even by the wonders at Amsterdam and 
the Hague. Should you suppose that there can be no 
beauty in entirely flat scenes, pray read the beginning 
of one of the chapters in " Alton Locke." The author 
of that novel, in an account of a railway journey up 
the Eastern side of England, gives a capital moving 
panorama of the fen country, vividly sketching the 
picturesque beauties of flat scenes, which careless eyes 
do not discover them to possess. In Goldsmith's Tra- 
veller, is a little sketch of Dutch scenery, quite a gem 
of poetical landscape painting, which, strange to say, is 
not even alluded to in Murray — Le voici : — 

" To men of other minds my fancy flies, 
Embosomed in the deep where Holland lies. 



57 



Methinks her patient yens before me stand. 
Where the broad ocean leans against the land 
And seduluus to stop the coming tide, 
Lift the tall rampart's artificial pride. 
Onward, methinks, and diligently slow, 
The firm connected bulwark seems to grow ; 
Spreads its long arms amid the watery roar ; 
Scoops out an empire, and usurps the shore ; 
While the pent ocean rising o'er the pile, 
Sees an amphibious world beneath him smile 
The slow canal, the yellow 7 blossomed vale, 
The willow- tufted bank, the gliding sail, 
The crowded mart, the cultivated plain, 
A new creation rescued from his reign. 



THE END, 



LB Mr '05 



